Sing

"Can you sing to me?"

I heard the words as I walked past the boys room, long after I had said goodnight. 

"Mom? Can you sing me a few songs?"

I leaned my head in... certian I hadn't heard him, the eldest of them all, asking me what I think he was asking me.

"I heard you singing to Norah. Can you sing to me? You never sing to me anymore." 

He's right.

I haven't sung to him in months, possibly years. 

I sing all the time around the house! We are known to carry on full length conversations in song, all of us, all the time! But Norah and Gabe, and frequently the older girls, they are the ones I really sing to these days. I thought of a thousands reasons why I shouldn't sing to him tonight, and I almost said no. I almost told him he should be asleep and I'd sing another time. But he would know, and so would I, that another time would never come.

And then I pictured me, assuming the answer is no but asking anyway... Father, will you sing to me? And though he has a thousand reasons not to, he lifts my head... 

"...he will rejoice over you with gladness;

he will quiet you by his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

So I sang. 

I sat on the edge of his bed, and after a day where I swore I wasn't cut out to be his mom, I sang to him like he was my first born baby all over again. 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases...

God is so good...

Bless the Lord Oh my soul...

Your name is like honey on my lips...

I love you Lord...

Come thou fount...

On and on the lyrics came and the songs spilled out and the tears welled up because I felt, I feel, SO inadequate to do this job the Lord has called me to do. I don't WANT to sing. I don't even know how to a lot of days.

But my boy... my boy (who in so many ways is such a man) asked, and one day he won't. So I sat and sang until I was lightheaded and my lips tingled. 

Jesus paid it all...

I love you Lord...

Amazing grace how sweet the sound...

I cast all my cares upon you...

Tis so sweet...

Oh how he loves me...

Father I adore you...

And his breathing slowed 

In the morning when I rise...

and his hand fell heavy on mine 

I lift my eyes up unto the mountains... 

and I sat there

You are beautiful beyond description...

and stared. 

He is so big, so huge in that bed.  I don't know how we got from then to now, from that to this, from baby to pre-teen. But I do know, while singing to him tonight, I was the realest me there is, and he was the realest him. And even though we have some days where we hardly recognize each other tonight we held hands, and melted walls.

"I will sing to the Lord as long as I live;

 I will sing praise to my God while I have my being."

Psalm 104:33