One Thing I'd Do Differently
I was hanging out with a sweet first time mom and her baby girl not long ago, and if there is anything I love to do it is hang out with first time moms. I LOVE it!! I love it because, for an hour or two, I live vicariously through them and swoon with envy because there is nothing like your first baby. It is an insanely precious time, and as many kids as I have I will always look back at those first two years with Ben and hold them tightly because that time, when it's just you and the baby for hours and hours and hours each day, you never get that time again if you have more kids. Obviously I'm a fan of having more than one child, but, *insert huge sigh*, those only child days were priceless.
They were also mind-blowingly terrifying.
Because I knew nothing.
Zilch.
I had a rough idea of some things, but to actually apply them to a real live, breathing, moving, potentially screaming kid was a whole different story. Oh but when they're babies you get to love on 'em and hold 'em and meet all their basic needs and it's magical. Then they turn 1 and your precious little baby bites you. On purpose. And you realize they're really just little sinners that have no idea the world isn't here to please them and it's YOUR JOB to teach them that little nugget of truth. And your parenting job takes on a whole new meaning.
At the time of her visit I had 10 kids in my house, my 6, 3 friends, and her 1, and they all had been playing fabulously for nearly three hours. Not a squabble nor a scream to be heard. She was a fan. She even commented on my clean house! From all sides it looked like I have this parenting gig in the bag. And then I told her about the night before... when I had to frantically text friends and call mentors to talk me off the parenting ledge because I HAD HAD IT. I nearly lost my mind, telling my kids I was never going to talk again because clearly they had it all figured out and didn't need me anyway so I might as well save my voice for the singing career I plan on having in my late 60's.
Not quite the picturesque scene she was expecting from me I think.
Despite hearing about Crazy Mom Night 2014, she asked if had one piece of advice or if there was anything I'd do differently when they were little. I thought for a minute, and based on the previous day's antics, and having had time to pray through the root issues there, I was able to come up with a simple thing I really do wish I could go back and do differently. (Thankfully, I still have little ones, so I am able to "go back" with them and work on not making this mistake, instead I get to make lots of new ones.)
I would go back an eliminate the privilege of choices from my young children's lives, particularly with my firstborn. Very much unknowingly I taught my oldest child that he gets to make the decisions in our family. I did this in simple, simple ways, like letting him pick the color of his sippy cup, letting him pick out his clothes every day, letting him pick what he wanted to eat for nearly every meal, saying things like, "Where should we go today?". All very innocent things, all in the name of "raising an independent child". All things that really aren't that big of deal when kids are little, I mean, who cares what color sippy cup he wants? If he wants green give him green, right?
But after years of letting him make little innocent decisions I now have a nearly 10 year old who struggles with not being apart of the decision making process in our family, and the decisions we are making now are SO MUCH BIGGER than when he was 2, 3 and 4 years old.
I get his frustration now, when we make a decision and he complains that we didn't ask him about what he thought, or what he wanted. For the first 5 or 6 years of his life he was able to weigh in on practically everything!
Lots of conversations went like this, "Do you want an apple or banana? An apple, okay. Red or green? Sliced or whole? On a blue plate or a yellow plate? Oh a bowl, okay. A purple bowl or a pink bowl? Do you want to sit down and eat it or take it outside?" and on and on I'd go, all over a simple snack. I think it was my marvelous sister-in-law who taught me the phrase "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit" but with that phrase comes a responsibility to follow through, and that is the hard part!
What I was doing by offering so many choices was avoiding an argument or a tantrum. If I gave him a choice then he felt like he made the decision and was happy. There are some very appropriate times to allow that. I'm not saying be a dictator about everything, but I definitely went overboard trying to create the perfect democracy, where his vote was cast on every subject and he was California and I was Vermont.
It's fun to have a "Kids Choice Dinner", but it wouldn't be special if every night was kids choice. There is a balance that comes in and makes for a great way to set parents up as the authority but also allows the child to have some special decision making privileges they look forward to. Try a "Kid Picks the Outing" once a week (or month if you have a super bossy kid). Or, "Saturday Wear What You Want Day". That way they get that opportunity to be creative and show those strong opinions, but it's still under the parent's authority.
This is an area I still have to be really diligent to not give in a let my kids rule, especially now that they're older, and a couple of them have figured out the "majority rules" clause and attempt to use it against me. A lot of times I DO give in, because, come on, it's so much easier! But all that does is weakens my authority and gives them more, and can you even imagine what six kids with too much authority and a weak mom could do?? Let's not go there.
There is an endless amount of ways we can teach our kids to be fantastic decision makers while at the same time teaching them deference to authority. If they learn to trust our simple sippy cup color decisions when they are three, they will -prayerfully - be able to trust our much more difficult decisions when they're older.
So that's my piece of advice for my sweet first time mommas out there, you blessed souls you. Now come over and let me revel in your coveted position for a couple hours! And feel free to ask that question again sometime because the list of things I'd do differently I guarantee has yet to be exhausted. :)
They were also mind-blowingly terrifying.
Because I knew nothing.
Zilch.
I had a rough idea of some things, but to actually apply them to a real live, breathing, moving, potentially screaming kid was a whole different story. Oh but when they're babies you get to love on 'em and hold 'em and meet all their basic needs and it's magical. Then they turn 1 and your precious little baby bites you. On purpose. And you realize they're really just little sinners that have no idea the world isn't here to please them and it's YOUR JOB to teach them that little nugget of truth. And your parenting job takes on a whole new meaning.
At the time of her visit I had 10 kids in my house, my 6, 3 friends, and her 1, and they all had been playing fabulously for nearly three hours. Not a squabble nor a scream to be heard. She was a fan. She even commented on my clean house! From all sides it looked like I have this parenting gig in the bag. And then I told her about the night before... when I had to frantically text friends and call mentors to talk me off the parenting ledge because I HAD HAD IT. I nearly lost my mind, telling my kids I was never going to talk again because clearly they had it all figured out and didn't need me anyway so I might as well save my voice for the singing career I plan on having in my late 60's.
Not quite the picturesque scene she was expecting from me I think.
Despite hearing about Crazy Mom Night 2014, she asked if had one piece of advice or if there was anything I'd do differently when they were little. I thought for a minute, and based on the previous day's antics, and having had time to pray through the root issues there, I was able to come up with a simple thing I really do wish I could go back and do differently. (Thankfully, I still have little ones, so I am able to "go back" with them and work on not making this mistake, instead I get to make lots of new ones.)
I would go back an eliminate the privilege of choices from my young children's lives, particularly with my firstborn. Very much unknowingly I taught my oldest child that he gets to make the decisions in our family. I did this in simple, simple ways, like letting him pick the color of his sippy cup, letting him pick out his clothes every day, letting him pick what he wanted to eat for nearly every meal, saying things like, "Where should we go today?". All very innocent things, all in the name of "raising an independent child". All things that really aren't that big of deal when kids are little, I mean, who cares what color sippy cup he wants? If he wants green give him green, right?
But after years of letting him make little innocent decisions I now have a nearly 10 year old who struggles with not being apart of the decision making process in our family, and the decisions we are making now are SO MUCH BIGGER than when he was 2, 3 and 4 years old.
I get his frustration now, when we make a decision and he complains that we didn't ask him about what he thought, or what he wanted. For the first 5 or 6 years of his life he was able to weigh in on practically everything!
Lots of conversations went like this, "Do you want an apple or banana? An apple, okay. Red or green? Sliced or whole? On a blue plate or a yellow plate? Oh a bowl, okay. A purple bowl or a pink bowl? Do you want to sit down and eat it or take it outside?" and on and on I'd go, all over a simple snack. I think it was my marvelous sister-in-law who taught me the phrase "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit" but with that phrase comes a responsibility to follow through, and that is the hard part!
What I was doing by offering so many choices was avoiding an argument or a tantrum. If I gave him a choice then he felt like he made the decision and was happy. There are some very appropriate times to allow that. I'm not saying be a dictator about everything, but I definitely went overboard trying to create the perfect democracy, where his vote was cast on every subject and he was California and I was Vermont.
It's fun to have a "Kids Choice Dinner", but it wouldn't be special if every night was kids choice. There is a balance that comes in and makes for a great way to set parents up as the authority but also allows the child to have some special decision making privileges they look forward to. Try a "Kid Picks the Outing" once a week (or month if you have a super bossy kid). Or, "Saturday Wear What You Want Day". That way they get that opportunity to be creative and show those strong opinions, but it's still under the parent's authority.
This is an area I still have to be really diligent to not give in a let my kids rule, especially now that they're older, and a couple of them have figured out the "majority rules" clause and attempt to use it against me. A lot of times I DO give in, because, come on, it's so much easier! But all that does is weakens my authority and gives them more, and can you even imagine what six kids with too much authority and a weak mom could do?? Let's not go there.
There is an endless amount of ways we can teach our kids to be fantastic decision makers while at the same time teaching them deference to authority. If they learn to trust our simple sippy cup color decisions when they are three, they will -prayerfully - be able to trust our much more difficult decisions when they're older.
So that's my piece of advice for my sweet first time mommas out there, you blessed souls you. Now come over and let me revel in your coveted position for a couple hours! And feel free to ask that question again sometime because the list of things I'd do differently I guarantee has yet to be exhausted. :)
Comments
I love the title of this piece. I always thought if I ever wrote a book it would be called something with a similar concept like, "I wish I would have...I'm glad I did..." We could learn SO MUCH by listening to other's experiences.
This post struck a chord with me. Since before the kids were born I've heard to give them as many choices as you can in order to allow them to feel powerful, in control, develop confidence...but there was always something that didn't sit quite right with me about that. Until now, all these many years later, I couldn't put words to it. You nailed it for me.
Another reason I've chosen to comment is that I mentioned this particular post to a colleague of mine at Kaiser. Along with her husband, she is raising a very smart, articulate, head-strong, positively adorable little girl who is almost 3 years old. My friend, and her husband, consistently evaluate and re-evaluate the decisions they are making along the way in order to hopefully raise their daughter the very best way they know how. Every child should be so lucky!
So, my friend and her husband read your blog and then had a l.o.n.g discussion about it. Her husband would like to hear more about this! :) In particular, he would like to hear additional examples about the negatives related to giving our children so many choices. (I think my friend agrees with limiting the choices while her husband is leaning towards giving more choices).
Anyway, if you get a moment to expand on some of the negatives, he would really appreciate it. If not, it's OK. We all can understand how limited your time is.
Thanks for the blog, Sarah. Keep up the good work!
Sheila xoxo