Reality of It - Right Now

No shock here, foster care is difficult. It's a roller coaster of emotions. I saw the roller-coaster, I chose to get on the roller-coaster - twice, even - and now right now, in this moment, I'm not really loving the roller-coaster.

I never know who to cheer for  - his mom when she has victories, or us when we do.

One day I'm renaming him and the next day I'm packing his bags.

Up and down, up and down I go.

I was sitting across from her last week, watching her hold my, no her, (maybe our?) baby and I was kind of fuming. I really was. I felt like crossing my arms and huffing and puffing something about how easy she has it, just showing up to hold a cute baby for two hours, while I'm exhausted from being up three times a night with him, washing and refilling his bottles all day. . . I really - in my grossly sinful self - wanted to let her have it.

And a truth speaking friend texted me...

 "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves." Phil. 2:3

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I know that verse. I can sing a catchy little song that goes with it, and I say it to my kids all the time. It's fairly easy for me to recite this verse - and think that I'm living it - when I am pretty much surrounded by awesome people. My family and friends are fantastic, saintly, beautiful, significant people.  But when the sin is uglier and much more obvious, it becomes a challenge to look across the room and ask myself, am I doing this out of selfish ambition? Am I being conceited? Am I counting her as more significant than myself?

Up and down, up and down I go. I want to hate, but I am called to love. I want to run, but I am called to sit. I want to roll my eyes and loudly sigh and offer no extra help or advise, but I am called to humbly consider her better than myself.

 It ain't no It's a Small World people.


"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." 
Philippians 2:3-11

Comments

Anonymous said…
I love you so much. Thank you for being vulnerable. I think what strikes me about that verse is the word "nothing." Do NOTHING out of selfish ambition ... NOTHING. I find myself saying, yeah, just this one thing? COME ON, I've been so self-less in so many other things. Is it so wrong for me to get mine this one time? And maybe even to think I deserve it, that one time. But God is working out your salvation through fostering, and you are becoming more and more like Him every day, which is what we long for most. Even though it is hard hard hard. LOVE you.
9:40 AM
Michelle fallman said…
Oh thank you for this reminder Sarah. This verse really hit me and has me down on my knees praying. It is exactly what I needed to hear and just what I need to focus on. God is doing such amazing things in your life and I am so happy to be able to read about them. You and your family are in my prayers.
2:38 PM
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