Nico Who?

(Well that's a sad title.)

I never posted the afterthoughts of saying goodbye to our little Nicolas... It's taken me this long to figure out what to share, what not to share, who to share it with etc., but sweetie-pie people, people who prayed so hard, and gave so much, and loved him even though they didn't know how long we'd have him, are asking about him. So I'll do my best to answer...

 How did saying goodbye go?

 How is he doing?

 How are we doing?

Will we do it again?

When?

I LOVE talking about him, and fostering, and adoption (though I don't know nearly enough of that aspect -yet) so if I don't cover it here PLEASE ask!! Also, I realize this post is longer than most of you are willing to read in one sitting, so I highlighted the answers if you want the Cliff Notes version - and not any of the juicy details, you instant gratification junkies you.

Saying goodbye was easier than I thought it was going to be, and I totally give credit for that to the Lord because I know gobs of people were praying for us that evening.  I was fine, fine, fine, leading up to the day, theeeeeen I kind of freaked out. It's one thing to say, "God's in control, He has a plan." and another thing to let go and actually believe it. So when push came to shove I had some wrestling moments that afternoon where I just kind of let myself ask the Lord what on earth was He doing with that baby? And guess what? He told me his plan! Well, no, that's not exactly true. But in a way he left me his word- or plan, not only for the day to day desire to read and know him, but especially for the days when I feel like I don't know him at all and I can search his word and find him (Duet 4:29) telling me to trust and obey (Ps 118:8), to have peace (Phil. 4:7), to let Him have control (Is 41:10). So, after emailing a dear one and having her speak some much needed truth, along with my grappling with God, I felt ready. It was always going to be Mark who took him to The Handoff, but at the last second I decided it needed to be me. I'm so glad I went! I met the cousin (Nic's second cousin) and talked with her for a bit before I handed him over. There was no fuss, no paperwork to sign, nothing. I think one of the things that made it not completely awful is that Nic is young, so he didn't really understand when I was saying goodbye it wasn't because I was going to the bathroom or something, I was saying goodbye forever. But him not getting that made it much less dramatic. He called after me a few times, "Mama, Mama?" I blew him a kiss and told him I loved him. I really did love him.

I really do love him.

I don't know how he is doing. I have an email address for the cousin but continued contact wasn't really encouraged, and what is she going to tell me anyway? Of course he's doing great, Nicolas is fantastic and I have no doubt he'd do great anywhere.

We are doing great too. The first few hours/days were sad, but Troy was there to lift our spirits with his, "Don't worry Addie, we get to KEEP Mia" comment. At first I would count heads and feel like someone was missing. The day after he left we were in Trader Joe's and checker was asking about my kids and they all started talking about how they had another brother but he doesn't live with them anymore and the checker felt so uncomfortable, I thought it was really funny. I ran across a file of pictures I have of him on my computer and that was really sad to go through, so I stopped really quickly. A few of weeks ago someone asked me how many kids do I have and I said five, then had to correct myself which was awkward.

 Mia is getting the much over due heart training that I neglected for two months, so that's a relief. That's another funny thing, I say Nic was with us for two months to some people and they're like, oh that's not so long - and other people are like, WOW that's SO long, and I just laugh some more because nobody knows what two months feels like to anybody else. To me though, the first month felt like 8 months and the second month felt like a day.

We will absolutely do it again. No doubt. It completely made me rid myself of me and sink into a deep dependency on the Lord, and who doesn't want that?

I don't know when. Not today. Probably not tomorrow. There are factors, factors I didn't consider the first time around. And then there's the whole "Awesome Pet Theory" when you have a really great dog and it's no longer with you and you swear you'll never get another dog because no other dog can be as great as that one - you follow? That's how Nico was... except in human form. He was SO sweet, and loving, and silly, and the fits he threw were comical they were so piddly, and he ate without complaining and he slept great (Well, the second month he did, hence the first month feeling so loooooooooong). We had it good with him, and it's hard to consider having another one to "take his place", but we will. The room is ready, the car seat is still in the car, the booster is still at the table. We miss him, but we're not done.

We thought we saw him the other day. Troy saw him first and I brushed it off but then Addison and Ben agreed, so I turned around and there was this Nico look alike walking with a woman and I'm serious, it really looked like him. So there we were, me and the kids, staring down this little Latino family in the parking lot of CVS. But it wasn't him, and my heart hurt - which surprised me. So yeah, there are days when I really miss him. ("But it was only 2 months!" some are saying.  8 months and a day to me people, 8 months and a day...)