In Silence
I am so buried here at the Fitz house. I have phone calls, texts, emails and FB posts just sitting there waiting for reply. But I got nothing. There is so much to write about... Our week with sweet (new) friends staying at our house. My experience with 6 kids, six and under. ADDISON'S FOURTH BIRTHDAY! and more...
As I said to dear Wendy today, every day feels like a huge battle and at the end of the day, when the kids are finally asleep, I can't read or write or even talk, I can just sit. And lately I've been just sitting and waiting for the next time I have to get up again. That leads perfectly into restless nights because I've trained myself to "half sleep" so I can be (at least) "half awake" the moment I'm needed, which has been multiple times every night. Maybe all moms are like this? It's kinda awful.
BUT, I feel prayed for.
I feel covered.
A wise friend said, "Maybe God's answer isn't health for your family, but your attitude during the sickness." Yes! That's how Christ can be glorified during my ugly days! That's how I can be sad, and cry, and want desperately for everyone to be well, but also rest in the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, and trust that He will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)
I feel guarded.
I also feel like being quiet.
If one goes on a silent retreat at a monastery or ashram they receive a neat little badge that says, "In Silence". It tells all the people around them not to expect a response. I think that badge sounds lovely. Please don't think that I don't want to talk, but the thought of being quiet for three or four days sounds heavenly. If I could do that, be quiet, without missing out on any responsibilities and without any consequences, I would take it! I would read for hours then sleep for hours. I would breathe deep and slow, and revel in the awesomeness of Jesus and the work He did on the cross. I would finish a thought, a deep thought, and maybe write about it. I would plan something wonderful to celebrate the first birthday of my precious baby girl. I would listen to Jesus for more than the two minutes he usually gets.
But alas... I am in this moment and I am so grateful that "the thick of it" for me is reeeeeeeally not that thick. I am also so thankful for a God who cares about little ol' me, enough to smother me with a peace so incredible I can't even understand it - Ah! I love it!
As I said to dear Wendy today, every day feels like a huge battle and at the end of the day, when the kids are finally asleep, I can't read or write or even talk, I can just sit. And lately I've been just sitting and waiting for the next time I have to get up again. That leads perfectly into restless nights because I've trained myself to "half sleep" so I can be (at least) "half awake" the moment I'm needed, which has been multiple times every night. Maybe all moms are like this? It's kinda awful.
BUT, I feel prayed for.
I feel covered.
A wise friend said, "Maybe God's answer isn't health for your family, but your attitude during the sickness." Yes! That's how Christ can be glorified during my ugly days! That's how I can be sad, and cry, and want desperately for everyone to be well, but also rest in the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, and trust that He will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)
I feel guarded.
I also feel like being quiet.
If one goes on a silent retreat at a monastery or ashram they receive a neat little badge that says, "In Silence". It tells all the people around them not to expect a response. I think that badge sounds lovely. Please don't think that I don't want to talk, but the thought of being quiet for three or four days sounds heavenly. If I could do that, be quiet, without missing out on any responsibilities and without any consequences, I would take it! I would read for hours then sleep for hours. I would breathe deep and slow, and revel in the awesomeness of Jesus and the work He did on the cross. I would finish a thought, a deep thought, and maybe write about it. I would plan something wonderful to celebrate the first birthday of my precious baby girl. I would listen to Jesus for more than the two minutes he usually gets.
But alas... I am in this moment and I am so grateful that "the thick of it" for me is reeeeeeeally not that thick. I am also so thankful for a God who cares about little ol' me, enough to smother me with a peace so incredible I can't even understand it - Ah! I love it!
Comments
You are so wise. I support your need to be quiet. I wish I could do the same thing.
I think having your "sitting" time is very sacred. And the amount of self-control (or perhaps it's sheer tiredness) to sit and not pick up the phone and answer texts or check facebook, that's impressive. I can use some sitting time right now.