Wait, what?

Tonight I handed Troy off to Mark for a minute so I could go say goodnight to Addison. When I came back out, about 2 minutes later, Troy was gone.

Me: Where's the baby?
M: In bed.

----pause for dramatic effect ---------

Me: What? (mouth gaping) You put him to bed?
M: Yeah. Is that not what you wanted me to do?
Me: So he's in his crib?
M: Um, yes. Should I not have done that?
Me: And he's not crying?
M: I don't hear him.
Me: Well, I think I should go in there because I'm sure he's waiting for me to nurse him. And he's probably pissed.

I went into his room positive I was going to see Troy sitting in bewilderment wondering why I had abandoned him at bedtime and denied him mama's milk. When I opened the door I couldn't really see him sitting up, so I quickly walked to his crib to rescue him from a most assured state of utter shock.

He was sound asleep. Sound. Asleep.

I was not prepared for this! I know it seems so silly, like, shouldn't I be celebrating because now it's a proven fact that someone other than me can put him to bed for the night? But really my heart hurt a little. It made me a little sad that he totally went to bed without that last feeding, without me swaying him while he plays with my hair, without me whispering "Jesus loves you and he's here to protect you. Peace." as I lay him down, without ME. For nine and a half months I've been the last person who holds him, sings to him, loves on him. And while I am really happy that Mark can be that person now too, I think I really cling to that sweet feeling of being Troy's lifeline and it's a sobering feeling when it become really obvious that season is over. Troy is absolutely beyond the point of needing me to survive, and that truth is really starting to sink in.

(Insert heavy sigh.)

Little man is growing up. Yay for him!! (But a little achy for me).

Comments

Wendy said…
Sarah... this post is so sad. I mean, it is exciting but so sad. Your writing sets a tone for your mood and it feels heavy hearted. I hope that feeling goes away soon. Think of all the other things you will be able to get done and do when it is Mark's turn to put sweet Troy to bed. :)
And, I think it is interesting that the night before you start such a big task of potty training Addie, Troy hits this milestone too. Big steps for your kiddos. And then Ben starts school in Aug!!!! Ahhh... they are going to be teeneagers before you know it!
sfitz said…
It does sort of sound depressing, doesn't it? My kids growing up is such a happy/sad thing, such a mixed emotion! But really, in the grand scheme of things, it's much more happy then sad, much more.
Anonymous said…
I can totally relate! about a month ago Tim started putting Isaac to sleep. I usually nurse him and then pass him off to Tim. At first it would make me so sad because i love having those last moments with him and being able to sing all of mine uuhh i mean HIS favorite good night songs. Now it is a special time for him and Tim and sometimes i will still put him to sleep and then Tim is all bummed that he fell asleep nursing or in my arms. it's crazy how fast he is growing up and you put it perfectly about how he doesn't need you to survive (which he still really does) :( I guess it's time for another one :)
Anonymous said…
Sniff, sniff... I agree with Wendy. It is sad but exciting. He is such a great baby to love on and hold on to. I feel how much you'd hate to miss those last moments before he drifts off to sleep. Don't worry, I think you'll have lots more years to have that special experience. Hope day 1 of potty training Addie went well. I shopped for little girl underwear for her today :) Mom
Lolly Caruana said…
now for some fun date-nights without worrying about Troy-boy!!! :)
Wendy said…
So true Lol! I see a Transformers 2 date night in all of our futures!

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